Existential Crisis

Some 10-12 years back we three friends sat back late in the night contemplating the purpose of life.
One had gone through a painful break up and betrayal, the other made plans to go and settle overseas and me who had nothing going on. The circumstance we met was indeed an happy occasion (so i would like to believe), our 4th friend's wedding. The plan was for all 4 of us to unwind before the wedding but it was us 3.

That question still haunts me and the answer is still elusive. I evaded the answer at that time and over the years i continued doing so. You see people try to fill their life with a purpose, that could be fame, fortune, family, God, etc. what I have come to realise is, purpose is like carrot dangling on a stick in front of you and tied to yourself, one step forward you think you are coming closer but the carrot moves the same distance ahead, You are never gonna get there. So it a continuous thing with no end.
some people are content with that but not me!

The other way people try to solve this is set goals that can be achieved, like education, House, Car, Marriage, Kids, etc. the issue I have with this is, one has to keep finding new goals and achieving previous Goals does not necessarily mean it was the purpose of life

For example my goal during college time was to find a job and have some money so i could spend time with friends. The goal came about as I was broke and i could not socialise much as i couldn't afford even a sandwich and soft drink and I had too much of self respect to be a free loader. So somehow i applied myself and got the money now where i can hang with friends, but the irony is I don't have that many friends left anymore as they are scattered or they are busy with their new Goals :) so what was the point of it all?

The hard fact is that we are an empty Glass, and we try to fill it with something to give a purpose to this glass. I am meant to hold water or Beer. But when life drains the glass empty what next? refill - and then what? repeat is that really the secret of Life?

Running this feeling I came across this statement - "It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; once we are sober we cannot help seeing that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion! "

Its a quote from "confessions - Leo Tolstoy". Reading the excerpt it echoes the same sentiment and i guess I have sobered up, Or like in the movie - The Matrix - I have taken the Red Pill.

This is what Leo Tolstoy wrote about it - 

Leo Tolstoy:

"...five years ago something very strange began to happen to me. At first I began having moments of bewilderment, when my life would come to a halt, as if I did not know how to live or what to do; I would lose my presence of mind and fall into a state of depression. But this passed, and I continued to live as before. Then the moments of bewilderment recurred more frequently, and they always took the same form. Whenever my life came to a halt, the questions would arise: Why? And what next?

At first I thought these were pointless and irrelevant questions. I thought that the answers to them were well known and that if I should ever want to resolve them, it would not be too hard for me; it was just that I could not be bothered with it now, but if I should take it upon myself, then I would find the answers. But the questions began to come up more and more frequently, and their demands to be answered became more and more urgent . . .

The questions seemed to be such foolish, simple, childish questions. But as soon as I laid my hands on them and tried to resolve them, I was immediately convinced, first of all, that they were not childish and foolish questions but the most vital and profound questions in life, and, secondly, that no matter how much I pondered them there was no way I could resolve them. Before I could be occupied with my Samara estate, with the education of my son, or with the writing of books, I had to know why I was doing these things. As long as I do not know the reason why, I cannot do anything. In the middle of my concern with the household, which at the time kept me quite busy, a questions would suddenly come into my head: "Very well, you will have 16,200 acres in the Samara province, as well as 300 horses; what then?" And I was completely taken aback and did not know what else to think. As soon as I started to think about the education of my children, I would ask myself, "Why?" Or I would reflect on how the people might attain prosperity, and I would suddenly ask myself, "What concern is it of mine?" Or in the middle of thinking about the fame that my works were bringing me I would say to myself, "Very well, you will be more famous than Gogol, Pushkin, Shakespeare, Moliere, more famous than all the writers in the world - so what?

And I could find absolutely no reply.My life came to a stop. I could breathe, eat, drink, and sleep; indeed, I could not help but breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But there was no life in me because I had no desires whose satisfaction I would have found reasonable. If I wanted something, I knew beforehand that it did not matter whether or not I got it.

If a fairy had come and offered to fulfill my every wish, I would not have known what to wish for. If in moments of intoxication I should have not desires but the habits of old desires, in moments of sobriety I knew that it was all a delusion, that I really desired nothing. I did not even want to discover truth anymore because I had guessed what it was. The truth was that life is meaningless . . .

The only thing that amazed me was how I had failed to realize this in the very beginning. All this had been common knowledge for so long. If not today, then tomorrow sickness and death will come (indeed, they were already approaching) to everyone, to me, and nothing will remain except the stench and the worms. My deeds, whatever they may be, will be forgotten sooner or later, and I myself will be no more. Why, then, do anything? How can anyone fail to see this and live? That's what is amazing! It is possible to live only as long as life intoxicates us; once we are sober we cannot help seeing that it is all a delusion, a stupid delusion! Nor is there anything funny or witty about it; it is only cruel and stupid."

- excerpt from Confession

Perspective

Perspective

It is said that, when you are at your lowest, God sends you his angels in form of people.
And when He feels you can move on, he takes them back.

sounds Good???

Well there are others who say that you are an user, who uses people to one's benefit and then cast them aside when the need is fulfilled. 


Same Result different point of view.
So am I an opportunist or does God really love me too much?

State In The Making

History has a way of repeating it self, but who will advice the opportunists, the misguided and oppressed? There was a time when I could rattle of the 25 states and capitals with ease, Today I have to rely on Google to tell me what the exact count is. Its 28 for now, and Telangana would be the 29^th State, with new proposals coming up for around 20 more, starting the pun  - “The United states of India”

I have a few colleagues from the state and I happened to ask their opinion and they were passionately for it. When asked for the reason it was all too familiar, land grab, lost opportunities for the locals, no development etc, local resources moved to outside regions etc. They are justified in its demand and hope in the long run they get what they fought for. The only thing that worries me though is whether the Pros out weigh the Cons.

In this country we are everything first but Indians, we have states asking people of other states to leave. Water disputes, Power disputes, land disputes. Its like the phenomenon of Joint families being replaced by Nuclear family on the macro level.

Most of which is due to selfish needs who have control and shortsightedness.

Around 500 years ago the Indian subcontinent was a similar situation with infighting amongst the various kingdoms and regions, which allowed a country with, not even half our size rule for over 400 years. And it looks like we are going in that direction once more. So all you may know we’d be called – The United States of Bhutan!

Super Power by 2050?!? I doubt if we would even be in power! If we cant influence and control our own nation, Fat Chance the world.

Author - Unknown

If with pleasure you are viewing
any work I am doing;
If you like me or admire me,
tell me now!
Don't withhold your approbation
till the father makes the oration
As I lie with snowy lilies
over my brow.
Then no matter how you shout it
I won't really care about it —
I won't know how many teardrops
you have shed.
If you think some praise is due me
now's the time to tell it to me -
For I cannot read my tombstone
once I am dead.
More than fame and more than money
is the comment, kind and sunny,
And the unmistaken handshake
of a friend.
For it gives to life a savour,
and it makes you stronger, braver,
And it gives you heart and spirit
to the end.
If I earn your praise - bestow it,
if you like me let me know it,
Give the hearty, warm approval
you can say.
Don't make me wait till life is over
and I am underneath the clover

Inception

When I was a kid I always thought that this life isn’t real. It’s all a dream. It’s kind of a psychic way of telling us what would happen so as to better prepare ourselves. I could never believe that I finished my summer holidays or the wonderful family events. Or I passed the 1st grade and moving to the 2nd Grade. I wanted to wake up because I was not ready to be a grown up.
I still wanted to have those carefree childhood years back again. No worries about food, money, shelter. No worries about relationships like girlfriends, wives. Life was beautiful. But now more than ever I wish I wake up. I had enough of this existence and would like to come back to reality.
I now don’t remember any of my dreams like I used to when I was a kid. I know its not that I don’t dream at all its just that I can’t recollect what it was anymore. After coming from the movie “Inception” I was amazed that all that I thought about was there in the movie. It was like Leonardo and team came and “extracted” my dreams and put them on the screen.
It was just like how I felt. This is not real. This is just a dream I created and need to get back to reality. Concepts like projectionist, dream within a dream, how we never know how we get to a certain place in our dream. How we never remember the entire dream even right after we wake up with a start And what really connected was the fact that we age faster in our dreams then in real life.
So according to the movie’s concept my life of 30 years is like 3 hours of sleep. So if I wake up in another 4 hours from now I would have “died” in this dream around the age of 70 years. Makes perfect sense! So now how do I make this dream stop as it is not pleasant anymore? Guess the only way out is to kill myself here and wake up to reality! Or wait! Have I been “Incepted”?
If you are confuse as to what I am talking about – just watch the movie all the answer lie there in the open.

What's In A Name

What’s in a name they say? It’s a proper noun so one can get away with a murderous pronunciation. But not with this one guy - when there was an argument over a pronunciation, to end it we told him it’s a proper Noun. but he was destined to say the last words – “then pronounce it PROPERLY!”
Being born in a Goan catholic family it was normal for me to have western Name compared to most parts in India. But mine was still unusual, as mostly the former Portuguese colony catholic names were influenced by saints and clergy. Mine was not!
I do not know what prompted my parents to zero in on that one. They never followed cricket so it could not be the West Indies captain that inspired them. Maybe it was my God parents – Lolly and Lydia, which sounds plausible.
Right from childhood it was a problem for people to get it right… they could never pronounce it. It was troy, Loyed, Loud, lied, light, Jo… aaagggh! Even till the 6th standard each of my class teachers had their own version of spelling my name. In their defense we normally spell the way we pronounce.
After school I thought my woes were over. But it was not to be… it followed me to work as well. My Second job was a call center job where I was in telesales, selling stuff to the US consumers. Whenever I said “Hi My name is Lloyd, how may I help you?” there was instant distrust. People could not just get by the fact that we Indian’s could have western names or for that matter we can be Catholics or we can speak good English!
My name not only confused the foreigners it confused our desi folks as well. To some I was foreigner which meant that some of my work got done faster in the internal departments. When they realized I was an Indian I had to wait in the queue just like the others. When in US I was either Spanish or a Mexican but that was more to do with my surname – Gracias.
Yes my name is Lloyd Joaquim Gracias. Not very common for an Indian :)
So there is a lot in a name – think twice before you name your kids because names like this just don’t make it easy

Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow
Aurelius Cy: Elle Macpherson and Arpad Busson
Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan
Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell
Camera: Arthur Ashe and Jeanne Moutoussamy
Destry: Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw
Fifi Trixibell: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie)
Fuchsia: Sting and Frances Tomelty
Heaven: Lil' Mo (also mother to God'Iss Love Stone)
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence
Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn
Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin
Luna Coco Patricia: Frank Lampard and Elen Rive
Moxie CrimeFighter: Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten)
Rocket: Robert Rodriguez (also father to Racer, Rebel and Rogue)
Sage Moonblood: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh)
Willow Camille Reign: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith

Walking in Job's shoes

Guilt...it's like a bag of f***ing bricks.
All you got to do...is set it down.
Who are you carrying all those bricks for?
God?
God likes to watch.
He's a prankster.
Think about it.
He gives man... instincts.
He gives you this extraordinary gift,
And then what does He do?
For his own amusement,
His own private, cosmic gag reel
He sets the rules in opposition.
It's the goof of all time.
Look, but don't touch.
Touch, but don't taste.
Taste, but don't swallow.
And while you're jumping from one foot
To the next, what is He doing?
He's laughing.

Free will, it’s like butterfly wings: once touched, they never get off the ground.

- From the Movie – Devil’s Advocate